All Posts

All my life, I have written in a journal. Not every day, not even every month, but I would write. When CJ was a child I wrote most days. I wanted to chronicle his journey and mine. Those journals now are so precious. After CJ died, I started to journal every day again. At first it was under the direction of my therapist. She warned me that those first years would be lost if I didn’t write about them. The trauma would make me forget. So I wrote it all down. This past year, I

After CJ died, I searched for a way to connect with him. I have found, throuogh signs, that he exists, and there is a connection I can feel with an open heart and mind. Our connection, our relationship really, is not stagnant. It keeps growing and changing. Some of that connection is internal- in my heart. Some of it  is external- in signs. One sign was feathers. I would find feathers everywhere. When I was in Newfoundland, I would find one every day. One day while we were on

The winter Olympics is on and it brings me back to when CJ was younger. It didn't matter if it was the winter or summer olympics, our TV was on 24/7 to catch whatever sport we could. CJ had a dream of making it to the Olympics for Diving, but he was not short on talent in other sports. In fact, he was pretty darn good at whatever he tried. I think natural athletes are like that. In the winter, he loved the winter sports. He skated and skiied and snowboarded. When he was reall

Family – Vertical Vs Horizontal When I think about family, I think about how we are related. There is a vertical family. Your parents and grandparents above you. Your children and grandchildren below you. Then there is the horizontal family. Your siblings, and their children and their children’s children. And further along the horizontal spectrum, your parents’ siblings, and their children and their children’s children. With the loss of CJ and my parents, my horizontal famil

Something happened to me a few weeks ago, but it has taken a while for me to be able to write about it. One part of grief that is hard to deal with is missing our loved ones. I try hard to keep the life of CJ present in my thoughts and deeds so I can bear the missing. Each day though, I miss him a little bit more, not a little bit less. Then a cruel joke was played on me. I got a text. My rational brain told me it was a scam, but the irrational part of me… well let’s just say

Sharing new Experiences mingled with the old CJ and I shared a love of music. Well, we shared some music. He did love old Rock and Roll, and I shared his love of boy bands. As he grew older, his taste changed to EDM, and I totally did not get that kind of music. But he kept his love of the oldies and the goodies. After 9/11, I took him and some of his cousins to see the BackStreet Boys. It was just the day after. Driving to the concert was surreal. The traffic on the road was

It has been interesting to me how different things become tangled up in grief. I have been a loyal Toyota customer forever. Our family owned Toyotas of every shape size and colour. My favourite has always been my Sienna’s. Although they are a Van, they are a dream to drive. When CJ passed away, I owned a Sienna. CJ actually had it at the festival he was attending. The police couldn’t find it for days. Eventually it was returned to me. But it was tainted. It was a reminder of

This past Saturday I had the distinct pleasure of assisting a wonderful group of volunteers with wrapping presents for all of our Ukraine Friends who are in Canada. I am so glad that I went. The room was full to overflowing with presents and food and clothing. There were so many volunteers they needed to bring out more tables for workspace. The air rang with the laughter of children and adults, with Christmas music playing in the background. I then took some of the gifts to b

When you least expect it… Recently I had to go for some medical tests. I wasn’t worried or anything. I drove there without incident and went into the office. There was going to be an EKG- a heart test and then a heart monitor. Unfortunately, as soon as I walked through the door, I started crying. The technician was so nice and so wonderful. She tried to find out what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her. I wasn’t sure myself. I just knew that the grief had come crashing in. I w

Once Again – Grief became a part of Life. As a child CJ was continually active. He eventually had to concentrate on his diving and leave some of the others behind. Near the end of his life, he was discovering those other pass times. One of them was baseball. When he played baseball, it was a full family affair. We coached him at an early age, and then when he exceeded our expertise, we transitioned to managers of the team. I loved watching him play baseball. I have not follow

One of the places where CJ and I had gone together was Winnipeg. I wanted to come back here to spread his ashes. So when the Diving Club decided to come here for a meet, I decided to tag along . Unfortunately, the connection I usually feel in these places was missing this time. Nothing seemed familiar nothing invoked, strong memories. I decided to just enjoy the trip for what it was, a change, an adventure. CJ was still with my in my heart. Today I took the time to be on my o

A few years after CJ had passed away, I was in a store, checking out. I was just chatting with the salesperson, and the conversation turned to my purple streak in my hair. I explained to her that it was purple in memory of my son, who passed away. She of course said she was sorry, and then asked me, “How long ago did he die?” Her question made me pause. First, I wondered why she asked. I know it was not a malicious question, but it was odd. Second, I had to pull that info out

CJ still helping from the Other Side I truly believe that since I lost CJ, he is always with me. He helps me find things. It seems like whatever I need, if I can't find it, he guides me to it. Now let’s be clear, I have not challenged this with any large questions. I have not, for example, asked him to find Jimmy Hoffa or the lost city of Atlantis, but so far it works. :) One day I lost my phone. I had been out walking on a trail with a friend. We stopped to take a picture,

Grief Reminder: Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad, it is a connection to those...

Our Reminder about Grief Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad, it is a connection...

Our Reminder about Grief Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad, it is a connection...

Grief and Mourning Our Reminder about Grief Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad,...

Our Reminder about Grief Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad, it is a connection...

Every time that I write a post here, I want to start with a reminder. A reminder to myself and others. Grief is personal. Grief has no...

Yesterday was a "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" Each day that I wake up without CJ, I strive to maintain balance through...