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August 12th has come and gone. It marks the beginning of another year. Not CJ's birthday, that day in January marks his birth and his amazing life journey. August 12th, marking the day he left and we had to get to know him in a new way, with him in a new world. Each summer, the days become heavy as August 12th approaches. I have learned to work hard at remembering good times with him during those days. I need to remember that he lived and lived well. I make sure that my socia

I fill my facebook with memories of CJ . I have so many memories. So many trips. So many family and friends events. So many diving meets and baseball tournaments and concerts. Those times are all special and wonderful, but there is more. I went to the mall yesterday and it reminded me about a piece of life I had with CJ that I don't talk about enough. The regular days. The ordinary times. The simple life. I can't say normal. CJ disliked the term normal. He thought we shou

One thing I shared with my son was a love of movies. Mainly Sci-fi, fantasy and Superhero. There wasn't much that we missed. Superman, Antman, Wonder Woman, all the Star Wars, and all the Lord of the Rings. Even though he was in his twenties, he still went to any new movie with me first. CJ loved the Marvel Universe. He had all the movies present and future on his phone, he knew all the story lines, he knew when they were coming out. He made sure we made plans together anyt

A while ago my sign of feathers disappeared. I believe that we see signs when we need them. At that time I didn't need them. About two weeks ago, they started appearing again. Everywhere I went there was a feather. Some of them were very ragged. It made me laugh thinking that CJ had to work hard to find feathers and could only use what was available. These weeks are not easy. I am stronger this year, but it still is not easy to walk this path. So the feathers helped to lighte

Each August, for the past 8 years, I have struggled with anxiety and trepidation. Waiting for August 12th to come. The day we lost CJ. It felt like I was just waiting for the day, waiting for the call to come again. Of course it was irrational. I really didn't take that anxiety journey the first time. In 2018 I had no idea what was coming. That first year I was on a different journey. On this day, 8 years ago, CJ and I went to Newfoundland. To one of our favourite place

When I travel these days I try to blend the old with the new. I want to visit the places I went with CJ, but I also want to experience new things, knowing he is with me in a new way. Yesterday a friend suggested that we go to Castle Hill. It wasn’t until I got there that the memories opened up. As soon as we went there I realized I had been there before. When we got back to our resort later that day, I started searching old pictures. I wanted to find memories of that past vi

For years a robin has built her nest near my front door. To me it’s another sign from CJ. This year she tried to build her nest on the light beside my front door. It was too unstable and fell down the first day. She was undeterred. She built it again. When it started to fall again, I propped it up for her, with a large stick. Soon she was sitting on the nest and it seemed like all was well. One morning, after a couple of weeks, she was coming and going regularly. I thought

I don’t see feathers After we lose someone we want to look for signs of their continuing existence. I was very lucky to have signs pushed in my face. It was hard to ignore them. Licence plates with CJ on them. Everywhere. Everyone saw them. It was like he was saying “Hi” Music that came on and played of its own accord. Birds, mostly robins, seeming to follow me and watch over me. Countless other little signs. One of the first and most pervasive signs were feathers. 🪶 they we

He loved it when he woke up before everyone else. This was his favorite time of the day. The world is still mostly asleep, the house quiet and peaceful. He was so lucky. His path in life had not been easy, but the rewards had been worth it. As a competitive athlete, he often had to sacrifice for his sport. He did very well in school, so he did not fall behind when he missed so much class time. One of his friends joked that he missed 90 percent of the classes and still got 80

After CJ passed away, I reached out to so many that knew him. I craved to hear their stories of life with him. I wanted to get to know them, to feel connected to my son through them. I found out they were all such wonderful people. So many different people but with one thing in common. They all loved CJ. There is this feeling I get when I am around others who know and love CJ. When we talk about him, when we reach out to each other, there is this thing I call the feedback lo

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this or even if I did, if I would share it. I realized that if I was going to honour my grief, I couldn’t pretend it was all roses and sunshine. That some days, some weeks, the heavy work was too much. It has taken me a few months to publish this, but I wanted to be true to my journey, the good and the bad. January 27th was CJ’s birthday. I thought I was doing so well leading up to the day. I made memory videos of his diving. I put up a s

The Wings of Time It was six in the morning, and she was getting on the road. The sun wasn’t up yet, and there was little traffic. She felt a sense of trepidation and excitement. She was on the way to the airport. This would be her first time flying on her own. Two years ago, this would not have been possible. Two years ago, she was afraid of flying. Flying, heights, closed spaces and anything where she wasn’t in control. Then the very idea that there was any kind of control

All my life, I have written in a journal. Not every day, not even every month, but I would write. When CJ was a child I wrote most days. I wanted to chronicle his journey and mine. Those journals now are so precious. After CJ died, I started to journal every day again. At first it was under the direction of my therapist. She warned me that those first years would be lost if I didn’t write about them. The trauma would make me forget. So I wrote it all down. This past year, I

After CJ died, I searched for a way to connect with him. I have found, throuogh signs, that he exists, and there is a connection I can feel with an open heart and mind. Our connection, our relationship really, is not stagnant. It keeps growing and changing. Some of that connection is internal- in my heart. Some of it is external- in signs. One sign was feathers. I would find feathers everywhere. When I was in Newfoundland, I would find one every day. One day while we were on

The winter Olympics is on and it brings me back to when CJ was younger. It didn't matter if it was the winter or summer olympics, our TV was on 24/7 to catch whatever sport we could. CJ had a dream of making it to the Olympics for Diving, but he was not short on talent in other sports. In fact, he was pretty darn good at whatever he tried. I think natural athletes are like that. In the winter, he loved the winter sports. He skated and skiied and snowboarded. When he was reall

Family – Vertical Vs Horizontal When I think about family, I think about how we are related. There is a vertical family. Your parents and grandparents above you. Your children and grandchildren below you. Then there is the horizontal family. Your siblings, and their children and their children’s children. And further along the horizontal spectrum, your parents’ siblings, and their children and their children’s children. With the loss of CJ and my parents, my horizontal famil

Something happened to me a few weeks ago, but it has taken a while for me to be able to write about it. One part of grief that is hard to deal with is missing our loved ones. I try hard to keep the life of CJ present in my thoughts and deeds so I can bear the missing. Each day though, I miss him a little bit more, not a little bit less. Then a cruel joke was played on me. I got a text. My rational brain told me it was a scam, but the irrational part of me… well let’s just say

Sharing new Experiences mingled with the old CJ and I shared a love of music. Well, we shared some music. He did love old Rock and Roll, and I shared his love of boy bands. As he grew older, his taste changed to EDM, and I totally did not get that kind of music. But he kept his love of the oldies and the goodies. After 9/11, I took him and some of his cousins to see the BackStreet Boys. It was just the day after. Driving to the concert was surreal. The traffic on the road was

It has been interesting to me how different things become tangled up in grief. I have been a loyal Toyota customer forever. Our family owned Toyotas of every shape size and colour. My favourite has always been my Sienna’s. Although they are a Van, they are a dream to drive. When CJ passed away, I owned a Sienna. CJ actually had it at the festival he was attending. The police couldn’t find it for days. Eventually it was returned to me. But it was tainted. It was a reminder of

This past Saturday I had the distinct pleasure of assisting a wonderful group of volunteers with wrapping presents for all of our Ukraine Friends who are in Canada. I am so glad that I went. The room was full to overflowing with presents and food and clothing. There were so many volunteers they needed to bring out more tables for workspace. The air rang with the laughter of children and adults, with Christmas music playing in the background. I then took some of the gifts to b