No more avoiding my health

All my life, I have written in a journal. Not every day, not even every month, but I would write.

When CJ was a child I wrote most days. I wanted to chronicle his journey and mine.

Those journals now are so precious.

After CJ died, I started to journal every day again. At first it was under the direction of my therapist. She warned me that those first years would be lost if I didn’t write about them. The trauma would make me forget. So I wrote it all down.

This past year, I started to read the previous year’s journal each day.

I found that although my outward life has been a tribute to CJ, the journals showed a more fatalistic perspective.

I realized that a part of me was holding on to the grief too hard. I was tempting fate to take me; I wasn’t going to help myself in any way.

After the anniversary in August, I felt a shift in my prospective. I couldn’t stay like this. I needed to find a way to be really okay with being here.

So, I started to work with my doctor on all the things I had let slide. Blood tests, heart tests, ultrasound, so much more.

And every step, every test, took a little more out of me.

Each day, I parse out my energy to survive the day without CJ. Every day I use that energy to be as okay as I can emotionally and mentally.

Now I needed to take some of that energy to get through and face this physical journey.

It has not been easy. I have PTSD where hospitals are concerned. I have found that my energy is limited. On the days I need to work through my physical care, something else suffers.

I have made it through being poked and prodded. My tests have been negative, or lead to medication to manage. I am feeling physically better.

It scared me. It felt like taking a step away from CJ, which is crazy.

I realize now, taking care of myself physically is okay. Nothing can take me from the spirit CJ. I can accept that.

I will work on the physical now and add it to the grief journey.