How Can a Vehicle Be a Part of Grief?

It has been interesting to me how different things become tangled up in grief.

I have been a loyal Toyota customer forever. Our family owned Toyotas of every shape size and colour. My favourite has always been my Sienna’s. Although they are a Van, they are a dream to drive.

When CJ passed away, I owned a Sienna. CJ actually had it at the festival he was attending. The police couldn’t find it for days. Eventually it was returned to me. But it was tainted. It was a reminder of that terrible weekend. So, I sold it.

I purchased a RAV4, and my troubles began. It was broken into twice. It was hit three times, all while it was parked. It had the gas tank replaced twice. The radio stopped working about two years in. The lift gate would open whenever it felt like it. At least it didn’t do it while I was driving, only when it was parked.

After years, I gave in. It seemed to me that CJ was saying – this is not right for you. You need to get a Sienna. I try not to question the signs I get, just go with the flow. How could I ignore that the RAV4 had a ghost in the machine, so to speak.

So, I ordered a Sienna. In this day and age, they don’t grow on trees. I had to wait a year, but about, I got the call – it was in.

I spent days as my anxiety level rose. I was putting too much emotion into this Van. My grief was wrapped up in this purchase. Would I be making a mistake? Would this be a constant reminder of the weekend we lost CJ?

When I went to the dealership, things did not go well. My salesperson had phoned in sick, and having to deal with another person was too much. I was overwhelmed.

As I started to cry, everyone was so nice. I explained to them about the connection to CJ and how emotional I was. No one made fun, no one did anything but show patience and sympathy.

I sat with the new salesperson, who was as nice as can be. And of course, there was a connection to CJ. This young man was a friend of CJ’s best friend in diving. We forgot about the car and just spent half an hour talking about life. I believe I was meant to meet this young man. These kinds of encounters happen all the time to me now.

When he took me to see my van, it was perfect. It felt like coming home. I know it’s weird, and I know it makes no sense, but having that van just felt right.

I have been driving the Sienna for about a month now, and it is perfect. It drives like a dream, it turns purple in the right light, and it fits all my stuff in it – and let me tell you – the pups and I have a lot of stuff.

I believe this van is going to lead me to adventures with CJ by my side. This Van is a part of my grief journey, and now it is literally going to help me on my journey!