A Changing Journey - when feathers disappear

I don’t see feathers

After we lose someone we want to look for signs of their continuing existence.

I was very lucky to have signs pushed in my face. It was hard to ignore them.

Licence plates with CJ on them. Everywhere. Everyone saw them. It was like

he was saying “Hi”

Music that came on and played of its own accord.

Birds, mostly robins, seeming to follow me and watch over me.

Countless other little signs.

One of the first and most pervasive signs were feathers. 🪶 they were everywhere. I began collecting them. I have bags and bags of feathers. All different shapes and sizes. No matter where I went there were feathers. On my trip to Newfoundland, my first time after losing CJ, there was a feather ever day.

I often visit CJ’s tree at the University. One day, a troubled day, a sad day I went there to feel his spirit. There I found a ring of feathers around his tree.

One day a feather stuck on Fozzie’s nose. CJ showing his sense of humour.

Another time, one under my bandage on my leg.

A few weeks ago I was out walking. I realized, it had been months since I had seen a feather.

I started to look for them. On every walk, every place I stopped, everywhere even the park that should have had an abundance of feathers with all the geese around.

Nothing. For weeks I looked and there were no feathers. Even though for years they were everywhere- I never had to look.

And it was then I realized two things. Two incredible, amazing things.

The very absence of feathers was a sign. A sign that what I was seeing all those years was truly a message. I never had to search for them all those years, they were just there. What better proof that they meant something.

Because the second thing I realized was I didn’t need the sign. I didn’t need convincing that my son still exists. All these years later, I don’t need to look outward. His existence is written in my heart and soul. I hear him in my head every day.

I still do get the occasional sign. Not nearly as often. Just the occasional sign to say “

Hi”

It feels more like a communication from him than a sign that he exists.

Because now, years later, I don’t need a sign to show he exists.

I know.