When I See the Moon

After CJ died, I searched for a way to connect with him. I have found, throuogh signs, that he exists, and there is a connection I can feel with an open heart and mind.

Our connection, our relationship really, is not stagnant. It keeps growing and changing. Some of that connection is internal- in my heart. Some of it  is external- in signs.

One sign was feathers. I would find feathers everywhere. When I was in Newfoundland, I would find one every day.

One day while we were on that trip, I mentioned to my sister that I had not gotten a feather sign that day. She pointed out that there was a feather stuck to my foot.. When I came home, I thought the sign would fade. On the first day home I was walking with my pup, realizing it was the end of the day with no feather. Fozzie, the pup, turned to me and stuck to his nose was a feather. CJ's sense of humour coming through.

As the years passed, the signs would change. The more I connected internally, the less I needed that external validation. I felt CJ’s presence every day in my heart and soul. I was connected to him spiritually, and with the belief in that connection, the need to see signs ebbed and flowed.

About a year ago though, I started struggling with CJ’s existence in the afterlife. I could not get it out of my head that the afterlife looked like space – deep, dark, and cold.

I think CJ knew that I needed a sign, to dispell this idea. So he guided me to a new sign. The moon.

I know we see the moon on a regular basis, but this was different. I started to see a light shining in my bedroom when the moon was rising. I had not noticed it before. It was like the moon was hanging right outside my window. Whenever I travelled, the moon was there, close enough for me to touch. It seemed everywhere I turned, there was the moon.

At first, I didn’t see it as a sign. I just thought it was cool that I was so hyper aware of the moon. But as time passed and it was always there, I had an epiphany. This was from CJ! It was a sign to dispel my ideas of the darkness of the afterlife. He showed me that even in the darkest of night, the moon is shining there.

I know it sounds crazy, but I know that he guided me to this awareness. It has allowed me to picture him once again in light. The moon gave me comfort and connection.

Yesterday morning I had to go to the hospital for a test. I didn’t sleep well, was very anxious about going. It was early morning, and the sun was not up.

Getting in my car, I felt the anxiety deepening, and I couldn’t control it.

Then I turned the corner. And there it was. Right in front of me. The crescent moon. Literally hanging right in front of me.   Letting me know, he is here, and I will be okay. Even in the darkness, there is light. Sounds corny when I write that but that’s how it feels.

I don’t know how long this sign will last. I don’t know if there will be other signs from my son. I just know that I will keep my mind and heart open, to watch for the signs. Because even with the connection I have with him, it’s nice to get the signs.