What Happens Now

August 12th has come and gone. It marks the beginning of another year. Not CJ's birthday, that day in January marks his birth and his amazing life journey. August 12th, marking the day he left and we had to get to know him in a new way, with him in a new world.

Each summer, the days become heavy as August 12th approaches. I have learned to work hard at remembering good times with him during those days. I need to remember that he lived and lived well.

I make sure that my social media is full of memories of his life. I make sure that I bring him into all my conversations to continue to remember that life. The days before August 12th I fill with activities that I would have done with him. I make his favourite foods and share with family and friends. Of course I go to the movies - one of our favourite activites.

As August 12th gets closer, we change to honouring his passing. Because we have to honour that as well.

So there are many visits to his tree, bringing flowers and trinkets to decorate that space. Joining with family and friends at the tree, to sit and remember him and sneaking a toast with his favourite beer. Then a butterfly release. The release was so beautiful, sending the butterflies to the sky, to connect with nature and with our sweet CJ.

Now, days later, there is a heaviness in my heart. August 12th has come and gone. Another year begins again. Another year of anniversaries and holidays and birthdays, all without him.

Those first years, I could not bear to think of having to carry that burden for another year.

This year, moving into the next, feels different.

Long ago I pictured myself as walking backwards, moving forward out of necessity but always looking to the past, continually merging past memories with the present. Looking to the future was too painful.

I picture myself differently now. I am walking forward. The past and the present are merged and will always be with me. I can now look forward and walk forward, knowing that the year is repeating, it won't be easy but he will be with me.

I can plan for the future, I can look to the future. I can be forward looking again, with him.