Honesty in the Grief Journey

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this or even if I did, if I would share it. I realized that if I was going to honour my grief, I couldn’t pretend it was all roses and sunshine. That some days, some weeks, the heavy work was too much. It has taken me a few months to publish this, but I wanted to be true to my journey, the good and the bad.

January 27th was CJ’s birthday. I thought I was doing so well leading up to the day. I made memory videos of his diving. I put up a sign at his tree to let others know that it was his birthday. I planned to meet friends and family on the day so we could get together in his name.

Walking this grief journey, you learn that the days leading up to the event are often harder than the actual day. I was doing so well that I didn’t see the crash coming.

I woke that day, posted a message on facebook of memory of the day. I felt that wonderful feedback loop of love as others “liked” and commented on the message.

I got all ready for lunch, and then everything fell apart. I started to feel physically sick, and then my emotions took a dark turn. Every negative emotion associated with this journey came crashing in. So angry that he wasn’t here. So sad that this birthday was counting without him. I sunk into pain, and it felt overwhelming.

I had lunch with everyone, and they were all wonderful, but the negative emotions came crashing in as soon as it was over.

I spent the rest of the day and the next, fighting to find some footing. I felt that I had dishonoured his day with the darkness of my thoughts.

Then, later the next day, I had an epiphany. His birthday didn’t turn out as I wanted,but sometimes in life that happens. Other days there is lots of CJ, through journals, and messages and pictues. Other days there is lots of positive, with remembering him in a positive way.

It sucks that it was his actually birthday where the grief came crashing in, but that is what grief is like. Taking over when you least expect it.

It was a reminder that this journey takes work, and sometimes that work is not easy. It was a reminder that I can honour him with memories and pictures and journals, but I also needed to honour the grief.

I will keep moving forward, learning every step of the way.