Hope Can be Cruel

Something happened to me a few weeks ago, but it has taken a while for me to be able to write about it.

One part of grief that is hard to deal with is missing our loved ones. I try hard to keep the life of CJ present in my thoughts and deeds so I can bear the missing.

Each day though, I miss him a little bit more, not a little bit less.

Then a cruel joke was played on me. I got a text. My rational brain told me it was a scam, but the irrational part of me… well let’s just say all control was lost.

The text read:

“ Hey Mom it’s me. I lost my phone. I’m using a friend’s phone. I need you. Can you call me at this number”

I knew it was a scam. I knew it wasn’t CJ. At least part of me knew this.

But the irrational crazy part of me, felt a small, tiny microsecond of hope.

I yearned for it to be true. That the last seven years was the cruel joke, not this message. And let me tell you that all-encompassing feeling can bring you to your knees. I wanted to believe, to think I might see him again.

I made myself delete the message, but it was too late. Missing him had overwhelmed me.

All I could do was retreat to a place to numb my heart and soul. I reached out to others, to talk me down, but each time, after I hung up, the pain came creeping back in.

It took me hours to rein back in the feelings. At that point I was just exhausted and sad.

I know there is no hope. I know he is gone. I know that forever I will miss him.

My brain knows all this. My heart on the other hand…well lets just say it hopes this never happens again.