When There Are No More To Do Lists

I have a hard time looking to the future for myself. Thinking about the endless days without CJ is too much for my heart and soul to bear.

Thinking about the lost future for CJ is impossible. Even just opening my thoughts to what he is missing, is painful.

I try to stay focused on living today, and reliving the past. Life is marginally easier there.

A few days ago, while reliving those memories, and going through CJ’s journals. I found a To Do list he had written.

The list brought me to my knees, overwhelming me without warning.

The list was an every day list. One we all make. I myself have a To Do list every day, as most of us do.

CJ’s list had on it so many goals that he had:

Learn Music Theory again

Buy a fractal poster for the living room

Master Ableton

Learn to drive stick shift.

Such simple inoccuous goals. A list for him to complete, that now will never be.

We all have To Do lists. I know you all do. It’s part of life.

CJ’s list hurts because it is a reminder that he was taken too young. That he had a lifetime of To Do lists that he should have had the chance to accomplish.

My father passed away this year. He was 92. His Lists were all complete. In fact, if he had any to do list it would have had only one thing on it “die so I can be with my wife”

Accepting death is hard. But acceptance is so much easier when they have had a full life and there are no more lists.

I will forever mourn the To Do lists that were lost when CJ was taken.💜