What Now?

It has been five years since CJ went on ahead to the afterlife.

I have learned over the past years, that there are days that will always be more difficult to face than others. Holidays, Birthdays and most especially the day CJ died.

I have learned that I can honour those days by including CJ, and creating new memories that integrate with those I cherish from when he was on this earth.

I have learned that sometimes the anticipation of the day is actually worse than the day.

I have learned that I cannot run from these days. I can pretend they are not coming. I can pretend I don't know what the day is. It doesn't work. My heart knows and the day comes.

I have learned that rather than run from the day, I have to do the work of accepting and honouring the day.

This year, I had to face the five year anniversary of the day that CJ died. I tried not to let it consume me, but it was so hard. The days leading up to it, proved to be more painful than I had felt in years. All my hard work at staying balanced with my grief went out the window.

It helped that I kept my mind occupied with creating a memorial for him - a safe space for others to come and connect and remember. We had a butterfly release and it was beautiful. These days when others come and remember him, are so soothing to my soul. I had the memorial a few days before, knowing that the actual day would be too difficult. I needed the actual day to be a quiet day to connect with CJ.

Then I woke on August 13th, and my first thought was... What Now?

I had it in my head that making it past the 5th year was going to be some sort of achievement. I saw it as a goal to be reached and survive. I don't know what I thought. I just know that the day after I was so dejected. It wasn't sadness, so much as resignation. There was no achievement reached. I realized that August 12th, this August 12th, was just one of those very tough days on this path without CJ, this one harder than most.

There is something else I learned in these last five years. Not to turn away from these feelings. Not to try to deny them. I let my self feel the resignation. I let myself feel a little run down. I let myself feel sad that passing 5 years, didn't change anything, it was just the gate to the sixth year, and then the seventh and then all the years after that.

I have learned that I can acknowledge these feelings, but I cannot let them rule me. Its a dark path to follow to feel the sadness like this everyday, without honouring the memories.

So I had to answer the question for myself, What Now? Now weeks later, I am defining what that will be.

Between my grief and the love and the loss and the life, I have made plans. Plans to decorate his tree for the holidays, to decorate my home with memories. I have made plans to remember his birthday on what would be his 30th year. I have made plans to spread his ashes, on the west coast this time.

With these plans I live in the present, planning for the future, while honouring and bringing the past.

Each day I do this, I am also rewarded, with a sign that CJ is right here with me - always.