The Inevitable Passage of Time

I haven't written in a while, because I have been away. Not physically. But mentally.

For the past few weeks I have felt like I was in a cocoon. Wrapped up, insulated, not feeling. Neither good nor bad. Oh there were still moments, but for the most part there was a nothingness.

My nights were filled with dreams of CJ. So many of them with him by my side. But the most spectacular were those dreams were he was actually there. In the dream I could touch him, hug him, and feel it. I talked to him for hours( or minutes I am not sure). I have no memory of the actual words just that they made me feel wonderful. Until I woke, and moved back into my cocoon.

Last Thursday, that ended, and the pain rolled in. I know why. It's coming. August 12th. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget it. Each day moves me closer, and no matter what, no matter how much I try to will it, it doesn't stop. Time is marching on, and unfortunately I have no choice but to move with it.

I feel like I am back to the days last year just after. I am having memory problems again. I have stopped using the stove. Too dangerous. I forget what I put in there. I write everything down. I have no energy. Just doing daily tasks again takes so much strength. I am moving through each day in a fog, just trying to survive the grief. And the worst part? Is thinking about all those parents who lost a child before me, who had to endure this. I weep for them. But I also take strength from them. They made it through so surely I can too.

The worst part is I have lost my dreams. Instead, now the sorrow follows me there. But CJ doesn't.

I understand that my grief is blocking him, and that if I could let him through it would lessen the pain, but I have no control. The hurt is too deep, and it holds him at bay. A viscous circle.

My therapist tells me,it will be like this until a few weeks after. But then, I will come back around again, and regain some of the ground I have lost on moving forward.

I would give anything to live where a calendar didn't exist. I am sure that after a time, you would lose the sense of the days coming. And then this passage of time would not hold so much control over me.

But I don't. We mark the days, we mark the weeks, we mark the years. I will just have to accept that and try to survive. For CJ.