The Gentle Season Of Fall

Today at 9:31 a.m. we in the western hemisphere stepped into Fall. We have already felt the affects over the past days with cooler nights, frost in the morning, the leaves turning.

Fall is often described as a time of change, moving forward, a step into maturity. For many, it means back to school, back to activities, back to a more "normal" way of life.

2020 is definitely not an actual picture of that normal step. But it is a bit like previous falls seen through one of those mirrors at the carnival. You know the one I mean, you see yourself but you are all distorted. That's what this fall feels like.

The season is changing, there is no stopping that, but the picture of what life looks like this season is a bit distorted. Classes starting, but some still on line. Meeting friends we haven't seen in a while, but still needing to stay physical distance. Getting our children back to activities, but with many questions still swirling around how safe it can be. Fall is here, and our life is maturing, as different as 2020 has made it be.

For me, Fall is a relief. Summer is a painful time, both sweet memories that hurt and heal, but also the progression to the day I lost my light, my son was in the Summer.

Do you know that Summer is the only season where so much of our social interaction revolves around it. No one asks "How was your spring" or "Where are you going for holidays this Fall". For Summer, it holds sway over us far before it is here and long after it has passed.

Approaching summer, conversation centers around summer plans and holidays. When I am asked what will I be doing for summer I want to say "surviving". I just politely change the subject. After the summer, everywhere you go the question is what did you do this summer? When I am asked what I did I want to say "I survived". What I do is politely change the subject.

The days in the summer are loved for their length. Long hours of daylight, giving plenty of time for living. Those long days are often tough for me. I do fill my days with reliving old memories, so many many memories of wonderful times with my son and others, and I am creating new memories, with the wonderful people in my life. The long days though, are hard. So many hours spent carrying the sadness in my heart. Using all my energy to live through a season that took my heart.

For me the Fall helps me in my grief journey. I look forward to the shorter, cooler days. I can retreat into my cocoon, and nurse my pain away from prying eyes. I can sit by the fire and go through photo albums and remember. I can spend time with my son in my heart, and feel more settled. Fall feels like a heavy blanket settling on me, allowing me to grieve.

That is not a bad thing. I need to grieve. I need to remember my son. When I do that, it gives me the strength to go out and move forward through life. Because forward is the only way to go. And I will continue to move forward, as I look backwards. It is the only thing I can do.