The Changes In The Third Year

Iwant you to know that I don't tell my story to elicit sympathy. I tell my story so that you know that I am walking this path, and I have context for this journey that a bereaved parent walks. I tell my story so that you may understand other bereaved parents in your life.

It is hard to see from the outside, that this journey, this grief journey that we are on, it is forever. It changes and ebbs and flows, but the loss we have experienced is final. The pain we have, may change and ebb, but it is here as long as we are. We accept this, because we can do nothing else. We accept this, because it is our duty as parents, to remember, and feel and love. We accept this journey because the grief is the manifestation of our love that has no outlet in this world anymore.

I don't know how I have survived this far. I still wake up most days, denying what has happened.

I never thought I would survive two days much less two years. Just saying that hurts. The thought that I have made it this far is unfathomable.

Each year has been a painful step in the journey.

The first year is a jumble in my mind. If it wasn't for my journals and posts, I would not have many memories of the first year. It was all haze and pain, just trying to make it from one day to the next. There are some days that are crystal clear, some moments that are burned into my memory. The rest of the year I think, is buried so that I can move on.

The second year was different. Softer on the intense pain, but the sadness took hold. Everything inside was always in a state of melancholy. I have memories of this year. I have wonderful friends and family who helped me to live through this year, making memories, at the same time we kept the memory of CJ alive.

And now here I am “living” the third year. Nothing is easier. Anniversaries are not easier. Some things are so much harder. Time is the enemy. I feel a chasm of longing and sadness the more steps I take towards a future without my son. I walk forward each day because I have to. I “live” each day because I have no choice. I make memories to share with CJ in my heart.

And the most important thing I do, is keep his memory alive, by sharing my stories and saying his name every day - Colton James CJ Ceej. My son - forever.