Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Yesterday was a "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"

Each day that I wake up without CJ, I strive to maintain balance through memories, quiet time, connections. Anything that will allow me to move forward and honour my grief. My days have a routine and if the routine is interrupted, so is the balance.

Yesterday I had wildlife removal in to take care of a squirrel that seemed to have taken up residence in my roof. I would love to share my house but the squirrel was driving the dogs crazy and I was so worried about her chewing wires and other things.

The day started off badly, with the workmen showing up early, having to come into the house, the dogs going crazy, then the workers on the roof for hours. We were all out of sorts by the time they left. The men told me all access was closed off, and they had installed one door for the squirrel to come out. The door was one way. Once she came out, she could not get back in. My anxiety backed off a bit, and I was glad the work was done. Unfortunately I needed to find balance that remained elusive. And the day wasn’t done.

Later that day I heard this terrible sound coming from the roof. It was the squirrel. She was up there crying. The sound was heart wrenching. When I called the wildlife control, they said that was her calling to her babies so they would follow her voice and come out. They said give it 48 hours for her to get them out. I was devastated. What had I done? Separating her from her babies, having her feel this pain. I was overwhelmed with sadness, all mixed up of course with my grief. I was a mess. My heart was breaking for what I had done.

My niece helped me through it. She understood that my feelings were all tied up with CJ. She calmed me down, told me to get a good night sleep and see what was happening in the morning. I was able to go to sleep that night.

I woke way too early, filled with remorse, when I heard a ruckus on my roof. I ran to open the window that overlooked the garage roof, and there she was, staring right back at me. She jumped from the roof of my garage, up to the higher roof, and was making her way down to the one way door. I quick ran out to the other window, and then noticed there she was on the fence and another squirrel was in my backyard. I ran outside, and it was obvious the one in my backyard was just a baby, and unable to navigate the fence to leave. I realized the baby had found his way out the one way door!

The mother ran back and forth along the top of the fence as the little one kept jumping trying to reach his mom. They finally got together in the back corner, the mom reaching down to show him how to get up and out of my yard.

I was overjoyed to see that the baby had got out. And although it was heartbreaking to see the baby struggle, it was so heartwarming to see the Mama stay and guide him.

I went back in, and about 15 minutes later, another baby was in the one way door and she was sitting on the roof calling to him. I was so happy that they were figuring out how to leave.

The fact is that yesterday I was so overwrought with what I had done because I felt that I wasn't honouring CJ. CJ who would never even kill a spider. This morning, it all changed. I felt my son had guided me to wake up early to see that the babies were full grown, and making their way out of the door. He knew I needed to see this happen, to know they were okay.

Its late in the afternoon now. She seems to be gone. I am emotionally wrung out from the highs and lows of the last 24 hours. Grief is hard work. The small issues become monsters. I remain safe in the knowledge still, CJ watches over me. And he helps me through the “Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days”