Tactile Reversal

Everyone who knows me knows that I don't like being touched. I do not easily hug.. I will do anything for anyone, but hugging is not my thing. It's more than just hugging. Having any kind of touch makes me nervous.

That statement use to be true, but no more.

After August 12th, I could not get enough of others. I needed to be with people, I needed to have them near me, always touching me, giving me their strength. I remember the first night, we all slept together, 5 of us not wanting to be out of sight of each other, out of reach of each other. I slept, or tried to sleep, with my arms wrapped around my niece. I needed them all.

At my son's visitation and Celebration of Life I hugged and was hugged by so many. Hundreds and Hundreds came to honour my son. I was honoured by their presence, in awe of the number of lives that my son touched. They tried to ease my pain with their touch, and I was grateful for everyone that day. Their touch was welcome.

Since August 12th, I no longer dislike to be touched. I love to hug and be hugged. I realize now that it is a way for others to offer so much, and for me to offer to them.

I think a lot of my aversion before was because of my claustrophobia. No more claustrophobia, no more aversion to touch.

I should feel regret that this change came after I lost my son. I should feel regret that I could not be this free with my son. But I don't. I won't. I had so much more with my son. So many other ways that we showed and told each other that we loved each other. There are Five Love Languages. And I was lucky to have four of those languages with my son.

The first - words of affirmation. CJ and I always said "I love you" at least once a day.

The second - Gifts. The most amazing gifts I have are from my son. A picture of a Mother Lion and her son, a Turtle Globe, and so much more. And the joy I experienced, seeing the look on my son's face when he opened a gift from me, is a gift I can now treasure forever.

The third - Acts of service - every Sunday, CJ's computer still dings a message- the message says " Call Mom and see what I can do for her". He helped me with some task every week. Then each week, I tried to help my son in someway - anyway that he would let me :)

The fourth - Quality time - CJ did this far better than I did. He set aside time for me every week. He never went to see a Marvel Movie until we saw it together. He always tried to honour us with time. On my part every second of every day I gave to him, even when I wasn't with him.

The fifth - Physical Touch - This was not our language of Love. I had a special way to say good bye, but that was a simple kiss, just to show I care. Hugs were not part of us, but that is okay. It really was okay. I cannot regret one simple thing we didn't have.

CJ and I showed love in 4 ways out of 5. As far as I can tell, that is priceless. No regrets here.