Rejecting the Darkness

Before I lost CJ I was plagued with phobias. With the lose of CJ, the phobias subsided. I am free of them for the most part and feel like it is a gift from CJ.

I have tested the boundaries of my new found strength. I drove across the skyway on my own, something I could never do before. I flew on my own (well in a plane, but I was by myself 🙂 )

I spent the night on a patio 20 floors up, confronting my fear of heights. I am not totally free but I can certainly do so much more.

One of my most debilitating phobias was a fear of death. Once or twice a month I would wake up caught in my mind, envisioning a death of infinite emptiness. It would take all my strength to come out of the darkness.

Now, with CJ on the other side, those night terrors had disappeared. I have faith that our spirit lives on and CJ is waiting for me. I have to believe, because CJ sends signs every day.

Then, a few nights ago I woke in terror, in that infinite nothingness. I was shocked and then devastated. How could this be back? How could this be happening? I felt a little doubt- what if this nightmare was real?

If the night terrors continued, I was so afraid it would eat into my faith of seeing CJ again.

I worried about this for days, fearing the next night terror. And then I had an epiphany.

The choice to believe in the darkness or the light of CJ, was mine.

Why would I believe in the darkness more than the light of my son? Why do I believe these night terrors are the reality of death, over the knowledge sent by CJ everyday.

I think it’s because fear is easier to believe in. Holding on to the light takes work and faith.

Then I remembered what CJ had said when he was here. It doesn’t matter what your belief looks like, just have faith. You can only believe in that faith.

After this realization, I felt so much better. I know I may have those night terrors again, but now I understand. The choice to accept that vision or reject it is mine.

And I firmly reject it and believe and have faith, I will see CJ again.