Pictures

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but is it?

I was looking at my posts on social media and noticed something. For the most part, I don’t post pictures of myself anymore. I have pictures of me from any ceremony that is in honour of CJ, but other than that, current pictures of me are scarce. I find it tough to post current pictures of me.

I am always looking through my old pictures and I do post infinite pictures from before. And in those pictures, yes each picture is worth so much more than a thousand words. . Even now, I find new pictures of CJ I have not seen before and they bring a smile to my face. Those pictures remind me of the amazing journey we had and the joy we shared. I continue to post them because I want to share them with others who loved him. These pictures bring the memories into sharp focus and sharing them creates a feedback loop of love from others.

Over the last week I was vacationing at a cottage on Lake Ontario. Waking up to the incredible view of the lake, and watching the amazing sunsets each day was so good for the soul, and I felt CJ at my side. I took so many pictures of the sunsets and the view, but no pictures of me.

One day we went to the locks and for me it was transcendent. The ships and the engineering feat of the canal. The next day, I went back on my own, chasing ships up and down the canal. I felt excited and in awe. I took pictures over and over. To capture the memory. But no pictures of me.

I feel wrong to have a picture of myself with a smile on my face. When I was watching the ships I was excited and enthralled and yes I smiled. But to capture that in a picture felt wrong.

A smiling picture of me hides so much. Not on purpose, its just that the smile is not the whole story. The picture does not tell the story, not even if you had a thousand words. The smile hides what exists inside now. What is inside is the spirit of my son in my heart and the grief of his passing in my soul. I am not ashamed of that grief. The depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love.

On this grief journey I have learned to live with happiness and sadness side by side in my heart at every minute of the day. I am afraid that if I show pictures of a smiling face, others will forget that lesson. And I never want anyone to forget that. Not for me. But for any grieving parent you come across. Remember, their child lives in their heart, and the sadness may not be apparent but it is there. We don't want pity, just acceptance of the fact.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Maybe. But it may not be every word.