No Longer Letting Go

No longer letting go.

When CJ was first born he slept in a bassinet by my bed. I loved to reach out at night and put my hand on him to feel the rise and fall of his chest. But he soon needed his own room so I had to let go

When CJ learned to ride a bike he was so ready to do it on his own. He kept telling me to let go, let go. I was filled with so much pride when he did it on his own. I was glad I let go.

When CJ learnd to drive I had to argue with myself everyday to let him drive. I told myself he was a great driver, a safe driver, I could trust him. It was not easy every day to see him go.

When CJ moved out of the house, I thought that was my last step. I had done my job, he was a wonderful man, a responsible man, a loved man. This will be the last time I need to let him go.

In August 2018 I sat with my son for the last time. I could not leave, I could not go. I wanted to stay with him forever. I put my head on his arm and held him tight, asking for God to please please not make me let go.

Then as I sat there, I heard CJ's voice in my head. Mom, this is not me, I am no longer here. Please, you need to let go. So with a broken heart, and a pain in my soul, I let him go.

But now as 2018 turns to 2019, I realize I will never let him go. I will tell tales of him everyday. I will think of him everyday. I will listen to others speak of him everyday. He will always be with me, I will not let his memory go.