New Years

Think about that. New Years Day. A New Year. A New beginning. Even the word itself fills us with promise. A New chance for a better, positive year.

That is not the way it is for grieving parents. That day is added to the long list we now have of painful days. It is not a new chapter full of possibility, but the first year without CJ. It is not a time to look forward with excitement for all the new things that may happen, but instead a look forward to all the days upon days without him. And for us, it is an endless stream of firsts without him.

Because we are now in a New year, people say that CJ died last year. Last Year! It’s a painful terrible statement. It hasn’t even been five months yet and they say Last Year.

New Years was not easy. It was not an exciting look to the next year. I made no resolutions, unless you count the one I already have. That is to continue to get up every day and make it through.

I can’t say what year it is. I mean I can’t vocalize the words. It’s too painful. For a little while, it is no year at all. I will hold off on saying the year as long as I can. Until the pain is less and I can accept, this will be a year without CJ.