My New Normal

CJ and I use to talk about "normal" all the time. Back then, I never felt 'normal'. I felt like I had to strive to be normal, to hide away the things that made me unique and different,

CJ always said normal is an illusion. There is no normal. And to strive to be like everyone else - hence normal - was a betrayal of our own self. It also lead to all kinds of issues - worries about our self worth, our ability to fit in, to be like by others. So he said, don't be 'normal', be yourself.

So for him, I tried to stop worrying about being normal.

I don't think that CJ ever envisioned, and I know I didn't, how hard it would be to live without him. I don’t think we envisioned this life for me. I need to find some normal, or go crazy.

To be able to at least act normal, I have found that I need to build walls in my mind.

You remember the story of the three pigs? They needed to keep the wolf at bay. Each of them trying a different way to build walls to keep him out.

In my mind, I have those walls.

The first pig used straws. For me, the straw wall is built around my ‘present’.The daily grief It is not a strong wall. It holds back the pain, but it is very flimsy. It does not stand the test of a day, and needs to be rebuilt every day, but I don't want it to be stronger. I know that if I locked the pain behind a brick wall, some day, far in the future, the wall would crumble and the tsunami that would emerge would engulf me. So each day, it comes down, for a little while, each day I let myself feel for a little while, and then I build it back up again.

The second pig used wood. My wood wall is built around my ‘future’.This wall needs to be really strong. I cannot think of the future. It is hard enough to count the minutes in a day, but to count the days in a week, or the weeks in a year, brings me to my knees. So I have a wood wall, and to relieve the pressure, it has little holes in it. And through those holes, I let a little bit come through - a trip at the end of the month, a dinner set up for next month. But just that, no more. I don;t look further than that. If I do, the wall would come down, and I would be lost. It would be hard to rebuild.

The brick wall, the one that stood up to the power of the wolf is built around the "past". Oh not the good past, the other past. The "What if" past, the regret past. That wall is as strong as I can make it.

Life happened. And in that life there were good decisions made and bad decisions made. There was a lifetime of memories, peppered with the pain of fights and misunderstanding.There was great joy and even before CJ, much loss. And there was love, so much love. But the past is gone. It is over. I can "What If" all I want, it won't change the outcome.

So that wall is very important. That wall surrounds the darkness and holds it back. I have built it as strong as the last pig - no one can huff and puff and blow it down. The "What If's" stay locked away.

Each of these walls serves there purpose. With them, I can function. With them, I can survive. With them I have my new ‘normal’.