My Emotions are Conflicted but My Heart is Not.

I just finished watching the women's 3 metre synchro and I am so proud of our Canadian Women for their silver win. Diving will always hold a special place in my heart.

For the past few weeks, I have watched as articles were posted about all our athletes and their journeys to the games, and my emotions have been on a roller coaster. For these were the Olympics that my precious CJ had set his sights on. About 6 months before his untimely death, he had decided to get back on the boards. For months he worked on his body, with a strict workout and nutrition regime. He worked on his mental health,and was on top of the world. One of his drawbacks when he was competing was doubting himself. Those doubts seemed to have disapeared. Finally, just before he left us, he was back on the boards and he was so happy.

Now here are the Olympics. With so many familiar faces amoung the divers, those he literally grew up with, dove with, cried with and celebrated with. I look at them and the emotions that run through me are so mixed - I am so happy for them all, but I hurt for the loss of my son.

One thing that is not conflicted is my heart - Where I feel and hear my son.

When CJ was here, he was always cheering for others. He was always picking up those who were sad about their performance. My proudest moments definitely included when other parents came to me to let me know how good CJ was to their child, helping them to feel better and do better.

In my heart now, I see him cheering for his teammates. I see him smiling at their achievements. I feel him- he is happy for them. He is not conflicted.

As a mother I will watch these olympics with a little pain, a little sorrow. With CJ in my heart, I will cheer them all on, Listening to his voice in my heart, cheering them on as well.