My Burden In A BackPack

On one of my Facebook groups for grieving parents, a question was asked "What does it feel like" My reply was "It feels like pushing a boulder up the hill each day, and just as you are getting to the top it comes crashing back down on you, and you have to start all over again the next day".

I have been thinking about my reply and realize that is not quite right.

There was a post I saw the other day that stated we are on a grief journey. That is so true. This does feel like a journey. So it made me think about my "boulder". I realized, it's not a boulder, its rocks. These rocks I carry every day in my backpack on my grief journey.

One rock is faith. I need to believe with my whole being that I will see CJ. again. When that faith is strong, the rock is light. I do believe, and I know that I will see him again. But doubts creep in, and fear creeps in. I don't even want to give voice to those fears here, but when I let them in, the rock begins to get heavier. And it takes incredible strength, to carry that rock. And in order to lighten the rock again, it takes incredible mental strength to push back the fears and find the faith.

One rock is Time. When I forget time, the rock is light. But any thoughts of time give weight to this rock. I hate to think of the time since CJ's death. The farther I go, the more painful it becomes. It is irrational pain. It is born from the craving to go back to before, and the further I move, the more I know that will never happen. I hate thinking of time ahead. I can live one day at a time, but thinking about years weighs on my heart and soul. When that happens, the rock is almost too heavy to carry. It takes incredible mental strength to forget time.

One rock is Patience. Every day I wake up and begin the process of waiting to see CJ. And to do that, to make it through each day takes incredible Patience. This rock is always heavy. It takes mental strength each day to wait. And it takes physical stength to carry this burden of waiting.

The last rock is Disbelief. Most days I still don't believe that CJ is gone.You know how it feels when you hear something and your first thought is "that just can't be true" That's how it feels. Like this just can't be true. Most days I can carry the burden of his death because their is a part of me that convinces myself it isn't true. But the truth comes creeping in, adding weight as the day goes on, until this rock is too heavy to carry. This rock is the heaviest in my pack. I am not sure how I can every lighten this load.

Each day I put on my backpack with my burden, and I continue on my "grief journey". Each day I try to move forward. Some days the load is light and I can move forward. Some days the journey takes me up a steep incline, the trials of normal life, those bad days. On those days the backpack gets heavy, and pushes me backwards. But the next day, I put on the backpack, and I start again, knowing that I have no other choice. The journey is taking me forward and I can only continue on. Hoping that as each day passes the rocks in the backpack will get lighter, and stay that