Morning Has Broken

I am not looking for sympathy, I am simply stating a fact... I walk around in pain all the time. It is such a deep emotional pain it is almost physical. No, it is physical. It hurts, in my chest, in my gut.

Pain is meant to help us to avoid injury, or to pay attention to our bodies so that we can fix what is causing the pain.

Unfortunately, I can't fix what is causing this pain. And waking each morning to carry that burden, is one of the hardest things I do.`

The cruel reality is, that no matter what happens during the night, the waking to the reality of CJ being gone is always painful.

A sleepless night has my defenses down, to let the emotions in. If I do get to sleep, and have a restful night, the waking in the morning leads to a slow return to reality, and then the pain hits even harder. And if I dream, and CJ is there, the cruelty of waking is almost too much to bear.

I realized that I can either sink into the pain, or try to find ways to lessen the pain.

Let's face it, there are many ways I could do that that are less than ideal - turning to addictions like drugs or alcohol, hiding in bed all day and ignoring life.

I was lucky enough to find people and places that have provide a safe haven to me, so that I can move past the "morning", and find a way to live through the day.

There are some people who reach out to me each day, to text and offer support. Those text messages are invaluable to me. It doesn't matter what the text says, the underlying message is "I am thinking of you and I am here". It helps to lessen the pain by knowing they are there to reach out to.

There are some people who's presence actually takes the pain away for a short time. They are so loving and wonderful to me. With them, CJ is always there, always a part of the conversation, always brought to life through them. With them, my pain recedes for a while, letting light and memories in.

And I have found some safe places. Places that feel so peaceful.Sitting by the ocean or a river, a favourite restaurant, or a special friends home. These are my safe places, to sit and forget for a while. To pretend he is not gone.

I know that I am lucky. That I have these people and places to turn to, to help me. I know that each day I wake, I need to make the choice to continue to reach out to let them in, to let them help. And each day, I wake to the pain, I do reach past, reach out to them, to make it through just one more day.

And each day I do this, is one step closer to honouring my sweet son - Colton James, CJ, Ceej