Mixed Emotions

I had to google the term grief to see if it was an emotion. The answer is conflicting. Grief is so personal, so different for each person, that there is a wealth of definition and no consistency.

I don't know if I would term my grief as an emotion. It is so much more than that.

It is a constant pain. It is a fullness of heart that is sometimes pain, sometimes even joy at the memories. It is a head full of pictures, that when they play in 3D they produce a longing so deep that I don't think I will survive. The most painful, cruelty of grief is the longing, the deep intense longing for one more time to see and talk and touch my son.

Grief is not one single feeling. It is not a straight line from overwhelming to acceptance. There will be no acceptance.

There are days that are almost normal. Days that I go out, meet people, shop for groceries, talk to others, and I feel normal. I hate those days. All through the day, CJ's name plays in my head, I push against the wall of normalcy, but I can feel none of the pain for a while. And I hate myself for feeling this way, having a life when CJ has none. The days like this scare me.

There are days I can't get out of bed. I can't go out, I have no energy to think or feel or move. I know that if I get up, I have to face the nightmare. CJ will not be there. I use to live my life to get up and serve, others, and solve problems, and I just can't find the energy to care about any of it. These days terrify me.

Then there are the days of deep deep sadness. If you think that grief rests in your heart, that is not entirely true. While my mothers heart does feel the grief, the deep deep pain resides in my stomach. The sadness can go on for hours or days, but the longer it lasts, the harder it is to let go. The pain is my friend, a welcome friend. Reminding me every day of what I have lost. The sadness hurts and is scary, but it is the least terrifying.

The last days are those of which nightmares are truly made of. People describe it as the crest, a wave that has grown for days, and finally has to have release. On those days I cry. No not just cry, I feel. And the feelings of sadness, and loss, and longing, and pain are overwhelming. And I become like a caged animal, pacing in my mind, feeling the reality of my son's death to the very depth of my soul. And when it goes on too long, I fear for my sanity, I fear it will never end. And when it does, I feel relief. I am embarrassed to say, it always leaves me with a burst of energy and hunger. So I clean and eat, and feel the relief. But after an hour or a day, I start the cycle all over again, and actually look forward to the pain.

Grief is different for everyone. Others may not experience the grief the way that I do. Know this. No matter what form the grief takes for you, it is yours to feel.AXx