Missing You

I believe that I have done an amazing job of surviving these last months. I was never one to talk about my own accomplishments, but now, let's just say, that I feel the need to validate and advocate for myself. I am surviving.

I may just be saying this to reassure myself, because there are some days I don't feel like I have done an amazing job. Some days I feel like I should be doing more."More" what, I actually don't know. Without CJ, I don't know what "doing more" means.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I had a life before losing my precious son. CJ was 24. I had let go of him in so many ways. He was living on his own, he was in his last year of school, by all accounts he was well on his way. My parenting days were fewer and farther between. So I had moved to a life of my own that included my son in a different way.

What replaced those parenting days, were days with my friend. My best friend. My son had grown into a wonderful fantastic man, who was a friend to me. We had much in common, and never lacked for conversation. I had the freedom now to pursue many opportunities, and I was blessed with a son who was still in that life in a big way. I just can't bear to do any of those things anymore. I am adrift.

These last few days I have been in Florida. I came here for multiple reasons. To escape the pain of Christmas, to try to find some peace, and to try to live a life, that continues on without CJ.

I walked and saw the rainbow, and knew it was a sign from CJ. I watched the dolphins play, and thought of my son and how much he would love to see them. I watched the sun go down, and realized a day had passed, another one without my son.

I cannot deny that I have seen signs of my son. His presence is strong.

I cannot deny that I did find a measure of peace.

I cannot deny that each day I did smile

Unfortunately, I also cannot deny, that doing this, "doing more" hurts and at times the sharpness of missing CJ on this planet, is a pain that is unforgiving.

I miss him more each day. I weep for the loss of his life. And I have learned that you can be both happy and sad at the same time, always.