Memories

For about a week now, energy has been surging through me, pushing me to do so much.. In the last year I have had to be very careful that I measured my activities every day. Too much and I would break down, too little and I would think too much, and then break down. This energy now has me working from morning until night.

This last week has been so different. I have cleaned every closet, every drawer, every cupboard.

I have sorted CJ’s clothes to donate, I have sorted pictures, I have organized my computer and virtual files.

And through it all, I have been organizing my memories.

Pictures are definite reminders of the times gone past, but so many other things can bring back those memories. It is so strange how something, some shirt, some Knick knack, some souvenir can bring a flood of memories back.

CJ lived an incredible life and I had the distinct pleasure in being a large part of that. From a young age he was invited to so many parties. I have a box full of invitations and other boxes overflowing with cards. Each one bringing back memories of birthdays, parties and holidays.

I started organizing CJ’s awards and accomplishments, and I needed to buy more boxes. He was in spelling bees and math contests, singing contests, and piano recitals. He was in plays, and school events. And of course baseball and diving awards galore. Each award, each medal, each trophy, are memories for me to cherish.

One award for a spelling contest brought back a memory. There was one spelling bee were CJ’s second word was so hard, the whole audience gasped. He didn’t spell it correctly and was knocked out early. So many of the audience came to him after and told him he was robbed. He was so gracious though it all, just accepting their sympathy.

As I organized, I was really good at giving away those things that others could use. But one thing I could not give away - his winter coat. The sight of it brings back memories of incredible winter vacations with lots of skiing. I can picture him flying down the hill, be it on skis or his snowboard. He was such a graceful, powerful skier. That coat is full of CJ.

Two things come very clear from all that I have. CJ was well liked. In the memories and pictures you can see his gentle, kind spirit. Second, CJ was well lived. He lived every moment to the fullest, loving life. doing everything.

I thought that with CJ’s death, my memories that I had with him would stop but that has not been the case. I continue to find new ones. Through Facebook posts, and emails, through souvenirs and pictures sent to me.

Incredible as it sounds, I am also creating new memories. Ceremonies held in his honour, awards given in his name. These add to my memories of my son.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of CJ. Who am I kidding, not a minute goes by. What I wouln't give to be creating more memories with him by my side.

In my eternal grief, I know, I was blessed and still am. I am overflowing with memories.