Living With Dying

In the course of my life I have experienced loss through death. Growing up, l lost my grandparents, my aunts and uncles.

I was afraid of death. It was unnerving to attend funerals, and be expected to kneel and pray at the casket. Our society is not good at dealing with death. We have our rituals, our funerals, or these days our celebration of life, but then we tend to sweep it under the rug. To move away, to shy away, as the fear of our own mortality moves in.

The first death to leave a lasting impact was my brother. The night we sat with him as he left this earth, was the most wonderful and saddest night of my life, up until now. Even now looking back, I feel the impact of that night. It was the first time I felt the veil between our world and the next thin out.

Sitting with everyone through the night, holding his hand, watching him pass from this world to the next, was a memory that will never fade.

The next day I dreamed of my brother crossing over and it was so comforting. When we lost our sweet sister in law, his wife a few years later, it was the same. A surreal feeling, lasting for a long time. I took comfort in her joining my brother.

Losing my mother was a confusing time. Her death from Dementia was painful to watch. CJ helped me to realize that in-spite of the painful process, I had many heartwarming moments with her at the end.

Being without a mother though, felt wrong. So many times a day, for years, I reached out to communicate with her. Her death confused me, and made me question my religious beliefs.

Every February for years I would get depressed. The first time it happened, I thought it was the winter blues but it was so deep. It wasn’t until the end of the first time, I realized, it was the month I lost my brother and mother. The sadness came without warning.

Last year, loss changed my life, this time forever.

The year began with the loss of many. My family changed, losing yet another brother and my father. Both of these deaths in there own way, changed me again. My fathers death was not easy to watch, but he wanted to be with my mother, and that and his long life gave us comfort. But now I was an orphan so to speak.

Each time, I learned to accept what had happened, although the short lives of my brothers still hurts.

And then I lost my son.

Death has never had such a profound effect as when CJ left this world. My view of this world and the next has shifted.

Where I use to fear death, I am now fascinated with the other side. I feel connected to CJ and feel that there is so much more to the cosmos than we could ever imagine.

My life has shifted here in this world. I am learning to live with grief and pain. I am learning that

there can be immeasurable pain with life and love and even sometimes happiness.

It's not easy. And our society doesn't make it easy.

We need to learn to be more open and accepting of sadness and pain. For those are only the mirror images to the joy and love we had for our loved ones.

August 12th approaches. The day I lost CJ. I am trying to feel more, to cry more to remember more.

For in that pain, in that sorrow, is also the greatest love. And that is what it's really all about.

Remembering CJ - Always