Living By My Son's Words

My son and I use to talk about everything. We talked about the problems in the world on a macro level. We talked about the problems in our world on a micro level. We discussed school and work and Family and love. I helped him with his issues and problems. He helped me with my issues and problems. Much of our discussion was over my head because he was so smart. :) . Much of the personal advice was so perfect because he was so empathetic.

At my son’s celebration of life, I did share three pieces of advice that he had given to to me.

The first advice I shared was to have faith. CJ said it doesn’t matter if you believe in God or Buddha or Aslan. Just believe. A life with faith is so much better than a life without any faith. When the end of our life comes, we will either be in eternal glory as we perceived it, or we will never know that our faith was misguided because we will have the peace of nothingness.

Organized religion holds no more sway over me but spiritually does. I have found that believing in my son’s continued existence on another plane is not only easy, but the only way I could survive on this one. His existence on that other plane, has also opened the path for a connection, through him, for many, myself included, to see and feel his continued existence and believe. His influence is as great in death as it was in life.

CJ’s second message was to lean on each other. CJ always admonished me about my inability to let others help me. He taught me that a person who has others constantly leaning on them will eventually falter under the weight of that responsibilities. But that for two or more to lean on each other, they would hold each other up. These days, I reach out to many. I allow others to help me any time. I could not survive without their help. And I am there to help others with their grief as well. We are all truly leaning on each other. And we are stronger for it.

The last advice is hard for me to follow. CJ was empathetic. He felt other people’s emotions almost as strongly as they did. His advice to everyone would be to cry for him, and then move on. To live a full life with love, friends, family and laughter. I am trying to follow that advice, knowing that my pain would hurt him, but it is truly not easy. Every day I long to see him again, to hear him again, to talk just one more day. That longing is painful. Missing him is painful. I am not nearly ready to move on. I am not sure when that day may come. I hope that my son can forgive me for my inability to be happy. I hope that he knows that it is because my love was so strong that my pain is so deep. I hope one day, that I can live by his words and move on. Today is not that day.