Juxtaposition- Living in Two Worlds

The human race is living in unprecedented times. We are being asked to narrow our world more and more each day. Every day, we wake up to a new change, a new freedom that has to be restricted, a new place we can no longer go to. No more restaurants, no more theaters, no more parks or sports fields. We are told to stay home, stay away from others, and the hope is that if we do all this, we will save lives and some day get back to the world we knew. For now this is a strange new world that none of us have lived in.

Grieving in this world is exceedingly difficult. The world looks so different, feels so different, and CJ never lived in this strange new world. Living day after day in a world so changed, makes me feel further and further away from him. It takes so much effort to live in this world and still honour my son in the world that he lived in, a world that seems lost for now.

I am no stranger to living in a world different from the one that others know. I have learned to live in a juxtaposition of worlds, of feelings, of emotions. I live in a duality of worlds every day.

I have had to learn to feel both happy and sad at the same time. It is not easy to describe how that feels. I can laugh I can smile, I can be vested in the day and the wonder of it. Underneath, in my heart, if I look inward, the sadness is there. Sad that I laugh and CJ can't, sad that I smile and CJ won't see it, sad that the sun is shining on a clear blue day and CJ can't be here. Both emotions exist side by side. Both emotions felt at the same time.

I have learned to live in this corporeal world, while knowing now that the spiritual world exists all around us. I can walk with my puppies, and feel the sun on my face, I can drive the streets and watch the world go by and I live my life day by day as a corporeal being. Within those days, my heart and soul are opened to the spiritual world that exists around us, where CJ now resides.I am a true believer in the ever-after. CJ sends signs of his continued existence every day. A rainbow here, a maple leaf there. CJ talks to my heart every day. And when I listen, I can see his face, smiling, waiting for me.

I am corporeal and spiritual - two worlds.

I wake up every morning and I have a life. It is a simple life lived as best as I can without my son, finding life in the daytime. At night, I have found another world in my dreams. I know that not everyone remembers their dreams. I know that not everyone is lucky enough to dream about their loved ones. I know that I am lucky to both dream and remember. After one such dream, I woke up so so sad to have to face the waking world again and let go of CJ. And I heard him clear as a bell in my head. He told me that he comes to me in my dreams, but when I wake, I just need to think of it as him going home. And trust that he will come visit again. With those words echoing in my head, I realized, that this was just another double world that I lived in. Both could exist together.

Our world these days is strange. This world is scary. But this world won't stay like this. We will make it back to the world we know. The changes may follow us. We may learn from this world, but we will make it back. Hopefully, having learned to be a bit kinder to the world around us.

With my grief, there is no going back. I will forever live in this juxtaposition, with CJ in my heart, in my soul, and in my dreams. My strange world is here to stay.