Just Saying....

I don't write this blog to evoke pity. I write it both for myself to help process what is happening and also to help others to understand if they have a grieving parent in their lives. I needed to say that because what is happening now is not easy to feel or read.

I have passed the one year anniversary of CJ's passing.The weeks leading to that day were difficult. I felt like I was living in the past, one year ago waiting for events to unfold, as well as the present, dreading the coming of they day. I didn't realize that once the day passed it was going to be harder.

The past week I have struggled with a deep sadness. Passing that first terrible milestone did not provide any relief. Instead, each morning I wake I am pulled into a deep sorrow at having to start all over again, to make it through another year. There was no goal reached, no lessening of the sadness of missing CJ. Instead, I feel like I can't face this all over again. Another birthday, another Christmas, another year. Another year of endless days of missing his face, his voice, his laughter.

My backpack of stones is so heavy, it is hard to put on each day. And it seems that each of those rocks has become heavier since this anniversary past, and I can't seem to lighten the load.

This grief journey is not like others I have taken. When I lost my brothers, my parents, the pain lessened as the days progressed. Acceptance was part of that journey. But this, this feels like it is getting harder. Missing CJ is getting harder. I think this year may in a way be worse than the first. And I will need incredible energy to carry my backpack for another year.

As I write these words, it is with self-contemplation. There is a part of me that is watching what is happening, looking at myself, reflecting and trying to understand.A part of me outside looking in.

I don't write these words to evoke pity. I write them for myself and others. To understand, as grieving parents, our grief is not the same as others. And if just one of you out there understand that, and reach out to someone to help them through this, then my words have meaning, and it helps to lessen my burden just a little. Just saying...