I Finally Understand the Music

In my search to stay connected to CJ, I have tried a number of avenues. Some of those avenues took me to explore the spiritual world through pychics and mediums. I learned that the existence of the spiritual world is a much more widely held belief these days, myself definitely included in that group. I quickly learned, that there were some very intuative people out there, who did have a connection to the afterlife.

One such medium had told me that CJ now lives in the music. He knew that I had lost my ability to listen to music. For the first years after CJ passed away I could not listen to music. It hurt. I could not face that pain. At first I would actually leave the room or ask others to turn the music off. Then I became adept at not listening when music was on. I just blanked it out. This man told me I needed to find my way back to the music, and there I would find a connection to my son.

When this man told me to search for CJ in the music, I tried. Every few weeks, I would play a song, or try to that CJ and I loved, but I couldn't listen to a whole song. One day months ago, I did find the strength to listen to a song, and was gifted with memories of CJ flowing through my mind. But the pain took over and I avoided listening.

I have so many beautiful memories of CJ that include music. One such memory is traveling in the car. When CJ was alive, and we travelled in the car, we always sang. Well, CJ sang and I gave it my best shot lol. But it was one thing we shared, a love of music and song.

Now, When I listened to the music, I tried to sing but It was physically impossible. I could not form the words.

But last week I had an epiphany. It hit me like it hadn’t up to that point. I listened to the music, and instead of shying away from the pain, I gave into it. And I was transformed. The memories flooded my mind. Events from my past with CJ played in my head. Not the big events, but the little ones. The car rides, singing at the top of our lungs. The times we played guess who sings that song and CJ's answer was always "Queen". No matter who was singing that was his answer :). The times that the music was playing while we sat at our computers, doing our own thing, but doing it together.

And I realized this...the pain wasn't bad. The pain wasn't to be ignored. Of course there was pain. I missed my boy. But the music held our memories. The music invoked the memories. And through those memories, I saw his soul shine through.

I listened to a number of songs, and I even sang a few bars. Thank goodness I was alone because no one wants to hear that. :) Well except my son. I know he could hear me, and he was happy

that I finally understood .

I can listen to the music anytime, and there he will be.