I Cry In The Dark

I have become very selfish with my grief.

I find that taking my grief out when I am with others doesn't work. It has become a private personal part of my day. I know without a doubt that I have a boatload of people who would hold me and hug me and help me through the pain. I know without a doubt that there are those out there who think of me and hurt for me and hope that I am making it through each day. I don't doubt that those people are there for me. I think because of them, because I know I have all those who stand for me, I can go out and act "normal", and try to be "normal", and save the pain for when I am alone.

It is not easy. It takes enormous amounts of energy to both grieve and to go out and have a life. It's a balancing act. When I give in to my grief too much, I have a hard time being normal. When I use too much energy to be normal, my grief overwhelms me.

Do not confuse my grief for CJ and his death, with my desire to talk about my son and his life. Those are two completely separate things. I want CJ's life out in the open, and shouted to the world. I want to talk about him with anyone and everyone who will listen or remember with me. In fact, the more that I talk about CJ,the more he stays a part of my life through stories and memories, the easier it is to both be "normal" and to grieve.

I have struggled lately with finding this balance. So many times over the course of the last few weeks I go out, I find the ability to engage, I even find the ability to enjoy those around me, but it takes its toll. I find more and more, that once I do that, I need to be alone and weep.

I think that many people who are in my situation fall into this pattern.We hid the pain in public. Unfortunately what it does is lead others to believe that our grief is lessening. It is not. The grief ebbs and flows but it is always there. We just can't survive by wearing that grief out in the open all the time.

Do not let us fool you. Do not underestimate the depth of the pain we feel on an on-going basis. But don't underestimate our strength either. We work hard, every day, to carry this grief and keep moving on. To survive, its what we do --- cry in the dark.