I am not a widow

When a woman loses her husband she is called a widow. When a man loses his wife he is called a widower. When a child loses their parents they are an orphan. But there is no word for when a parent loses a child.

I think it’s because it is too scary to give it a name. It’s like Harry Potter, “he who shall not be named”

I feel it when I go out. There are many people who can’t look at me. They can’t make eye contact. Either they don’t know what to say or my presence hurts them too much. Some are afraid that what I have suffered may happen to them one day. That looking at me will make it real.

We can’t give it a name because to give it a name is to give it power.

And trust me, there is nothing that will make you feel more powerless or more out of control than to lose your child.

I did find a word in Mandarin - Shidu. It is a word for parents who only had one child and lost them.

That is me. My one and only. Gone far far before his time.

I’m not a widow. I have lost my parents, but late enough in life that I don’t feel like an orphan. And I hate to give a name to what I am, but Shidu.... Shidu feels right. Powerless even with a name.