Groundhog Day

In the last couple weeks I have heard the term "Groundhog Day" from two different people, used to describe what we are going through. One who is struggling with a life threatening illness, and one who lost their child. They are right. Here, on the dark side of the moon, it feels like groundhog day. Each day takes on a sameness, waking each morning to the memory of what has happened. Trying so hard to reconcile this new life. Working hard to get out of bed and face a new day. Working hard to make it through the day and give it some meaning.

Meaning comes for me with anything connected to CJ. If I am working on a CJ project, I can function. If I am talking about CJ, I can feel happy. If I am doing something, and can feel CJ by my side, I can move forward.

The problem is that underneath it all, the pain plays over and over. It is the true part of the Groundhog Day. No matter what I do, CJ is still gone. I still miss him. The grief is a part of me, playing over and over, like the never ending groundhog day.

I researched the actual movie, and found similarities to my life. At first, the character uses the never ending days in destructive behavior. Although my behavior has not been destructive, it does have an overtone of a defeatist. No matter what he does in the movie though, he cannot escape the day.That is the true pain of this life. We cannot escape the day, the days, the endless days.

The character finally realizes that rather than be destructive, he has the ability now to make things better. To use his time to do good. He takes the time he has been given, and turns his life around and helps others.

There was a post on Facebook that I can't find right now. The essence of the post was that only in giving to others and making the world better for others will we find happiness in this world. I know that my life will always be a little bit like groundhog day. I will always wake to the knowledge of the absence of CJ. I will always miss him. I won't ever be able to find happiness, not in this world.

Like the movie though, I want to learn to use my groundhog days for good. I do believe that with my endless groundhog days I can find the ability to use them to make the world a better place for others.

Then maybe, I won't find happiness, but some sort of peace and acceptance to the life that I live now.