Grief Off Line

From the beginning of my journey here as a grieving mother, I took my sadness "off-line" so to speak and started a blog. I didn't believe that that much sadness had a place here on Facebook.

It naturally followed, that in real life I also took my sadness "off-line" I hid behind conventional words and a false front.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke to a message from a friend of mine who also couldn't sleep. He was missing CJ. He Admited that what others saw as bravery was a cover for a deep sadness.

And I pondered all night why we as a society do that. Why do we hid our negative feelings and emotions? We are conditioned to show our best face, our best feelings, not burden others with our negativity.

We give lip service to wanting to help others with mental issues, and I believer that this societal norm of hiding adversity may be one of the very things at the core of our mental health crisis.

I was with some friends yesterday, and they put on Russel Peters. It was the very skit that CJ use to do all the time. He was so good at it. And seeing this skit only caused me pain.

So I left. I put on a brave face, left the room but didn't tell them why. Why would I do that? Why would I call them my friends but not share my pain with them? The simple truth - it seems unacceptable.

So here today, I am going to try to break that mold. I am going to announce today to all that I MISS CJ. And my heart breaks anew each day I have to wake up. And I struggle daily to live my life because it hurts.

And the pain and the missing is not getting easier. It's getting harder.

So many people I have encountered in these last few months are suffering. From their own loss, or about CJ, or just about the hardness of life. I say to you all - don't hide. Embrace your feelings. Share your feelings. You will find if you do that, others will open to you too.