Grief Journey Lessons

Grief Reminder:

Grief is personal. Grief has no time limit. Grief cannot be denied. Grief is not always bad, it is a connection to those we have lost.

This year as part of my memory journey, I decided to come back to California for part of a trip we made 11 years ago. CJ had not come on that trip. He had qualified to dive in Spain. So we got creative and we put his picture on a stick to bring him with us.

As the day approached to leave this time, I started to get apprehensive. It was just a low-grade anxiety, and I really couldn’t pinpoint why. On my list of to do things was to go to CJ’s tree One last time before I left. I think I felt like I needed to go to say goodbye to him.

I kept putting it off, and that low-grade anxiety plagued me. The day before we were leaving, I finally went. As soon as I got there it was like I felt a figurative slap upside my head, and I heard CJ’s voice. There was no need to come there to say goodbye. He was coming with me!!

Of course he was. How could I have been so blind to the fact that he is now always with me. As soon as that happened, my anxiety lifted.

Our travel day was so smooth, but still very emotional. We were lucky that getting to the airport the next day, getting through security, getting on the plane – it was so easy and smooth. The plane was large and roomy, the flight attendants so nice. Our flight was easy, until it wasn’t.

As we started our descent, we hit some pretty intense turbulence. I wasn’t scared or anxious just struggling with a Topsy-turvy feeling. When we landed, something weird happened. I was in total panic mode. Inside my head, it felt like I couldn’t get a grip on reality. Memories were overlapping and crowding in and I couldn’t process. I felt untethered. I work hard to stay in balance to manage my grief and every thing- emotionally, mentally, and physically- was out of balance. It had taken a lot of energy to get here and I think the struggle physically with the turbulence was the last straw. The pain of missing CJ was strong and I couldn’t function.

I was so out of sorts and struggling not to break down. Then it hit me. I was not living my own advice. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to give in. It is okay to feel the pain I can let myself grieve. I could be both sad that CJ was not here, and also happy to have him in my heart, on this memory journey.

Once I accepted that, I began to find balance again. I left the airport looking forward to the memories I would now create and merge with the old ones.