Ghost of Christmas Past

Those walking a grief journey know that each occasion, each anniversary, each milestone brings decisions with it.

Do we pretend these days are not happening to protect our our heart and bruised soul or do we honour our loved ones by creating new traditions.

We can try to pretend these days are just like any other but I am here to tell you, the subconscious takes over and you “feel” these days stronger than others no matter how you try to ignore them.

The personal days for me are my sweet sons birthday and his death day, and to a lesser degree each 12th of the month - the “day” he died. The larger days are the holidays, that are hard for everyone on a grief journey.

Holidays are harder to ignore, consciously or unconsciously. The signs for them are everywhere, in stores, in conversations. Right now it’s Christmas everywhere , and unless I want to live under a rock, there is only so much I could do to pretend it’s not happening. I have tried to pretend it is not coming but it is everywhere.

Today I realized, I can’t do that, I don’t want to do that. I want to create a Christmas that will honour and remember CJ. I don’t want to forget him or forget what we had, or ignore the memories clamoring to be recognized. Today I realized that the ghost of Christmas past was haunting me, and I needed to create Christmas in the present to honour that ghost, that spirit that this season brings.

I started to make plans today for a Christmas of memories and my heart feels better.

I am going to create an angel display in honour of CJ and others we have lost.

I am going to go decorate CJ’s memory tree, with others who also want to honour him.

And I am going to try real hard to listen to the special Christmas music CJ and I loved to share. The first thing we did each Christmas was listen to 98 degrees Christmas album. And when we discovered the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, we listened to them from morning to night in the days leading up to Christmas. The music is memories, but the pain is still very sharp when I listen. But I will try.

In the story, Ebenezer had let pain turn him cold and bitter, living in darkness. I won’t do that. I can’t do that and honour CJ. I have felt the ghost of Christmas past, reminding me of the joy. . I am going to honour the ghost of Christmas present, and create a Christmas, in the present, with CJ in my heart. . In doing this I hope it leads me to walk towards the ghost of Christmas yet to come, making new memories, that will make CJ proud as he watches over me.