Does Anyone Know What the Future Holds

Before CJ passed away I was changing. My life was changing, my priorities changing. CJ would always be my son, but my job as a Mother was waning, and I was finding a new path to take on my own. I wanted to be a part of the political world and make a change. I wanted to help others through my charitable work. I wanted to be the best Mother I could be, by letting go and stepping back.

I knew that CJ would always be my son, and our lives intertwined, but we were both adults now. What our future relationship would be, was just coming into focus. And then that future disappeared. In the blink of an eye I was lost. And the idea of even thinking of a future without CJ was too painful to contemplate. I could not find the energy in my soul to want to do or be anything or anyone. I just survived.

COVID put a pause on the world. A pause that I embraced. I didn't have to envision a future because no one could see the future. We were finding our way in a strange new world, and we were told - stay home, wait, hold on. For now, be still. So I was still .

However change is coming again. We can feel it. Soon we will get out of this and back to life as we know it.

But I don't have a "life" as I knew it. I only had a vision of what I thought it was going to be. What would have happened if CJ was here? Would I become a mother in law? Would I hold his child in my arms and get to spoil them? Would we be as close as we were when he was growing up?

My volunteering at the clinic has shown me that we are moving towards that future. It will seem like only a moment has passed, and normal life will return. On a personal level that fills me with joy for others and trepidation for myself. I know, that I now have to face what that means for me moving forward. What does that mean for me to have a future.

I think everyone struggles at one time or another with thoughts that they need to have a reason for being here. I think when you lose a child those thoughts get louder. We can't envision our future without them. We know only one thing for sure. We have a driving need to have them remembered.

Before CJ died, I was creating a life that was shaped as a Mother to an Adult. Now my most important goal is to ensure that his memory lives on. The only way that I can be okay with that, is to ensure that the things that I do in his memory will enrich another life in some way. His scholarships keep his name alive, and help students to achieve their goal. His fundraisers we join, keep his memory alive and helps others to survive.

But why do I feel that I need to have my future laid out for me? Do any of us know what the future holds? We look to the future and envision what we would like to see happen, but until that future becomes the present, no one knows what that will hold for them. Its just that I need to know, that without CJ I can have a future that means something. That I can find a reason that I stayed and he is gone. I know that there will be days that it will just be life flowing by. But I feel that need to be able to look back, when I am old, and find a reason for my existence on this dark side of the moon.