Connections

As the days grow closer to when I lost CJ, I have a need to keep his memory alive, to keep his spirit alive. This weekend we did just that. Over the course of the weekend we honored CJ. We donated food for those in need, we donated blood to save lives and we gathered together to remember him.

On Friday night many came to a memorial for him. My heart was so full seeing everyone. When we gather together like that, I feel such a connection to my son. It feels like a feed back loop of love flowing through me from CJ, to all those gathered and back through me again. His love surrounds us and links us.

On Saturday so many came to donate blood in his honour. To give the gift of life through a blood donation. Again, the love was there, connecting us all.

After the two days of such an emotional high, I needed to have some alone time. Unfortunately, after all that, I couldn’t connect with CJ. I often see many signs of him around me. I often feel his presence in my life. That night, I just could not feel him. I think I was just too tired in both body and soul.

I decided to ordered some food, and have an early night., hoping to reconnect the next day.

I knew as soon as I ate the food it was not going to go well. The food was a little off and I got food poisoning. After hours of throwing up I got the chills. It felt like my teeth were going to break off I was shivering so bad and I could not stop my whole body from shaking.

After half an hour I called out to CJ. And just like that he was there. I felt a soothing hand on my arm and then it was like CJ knew what I needed. He stepped back in my mind and then I felt my mother’s presence. It was like he called to her to come to me, knowing I needed my mother. I felt her calming presence on my soul, and I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up hours later, a beam of light was shining on a picture of CJ that I have with his two thumbs up. It was like he was telling me, it’s alright now.

I miss my son more than I can say. If I could have him back on this earth, I would. I know that is not to be. So I make sure I kept my heart and mind and soul open so I can stay connected. Knowing that even when I can’t feel him, he is always there.