Choices

Life is made up of choices. What we do, who we are, what we become are all made up of both large and small choices we make as we journey through life. We choose whether to go to school or not, what job to take, where to live. These choices shape our environment. We chose who to have in our life, what do do with our life, how we will help others if we can. These choices shape who we are.

I always thought that for the most part I had the choice to make my life the way I wanted. Some choices I made out of necessity, some choices I made out of love and some out of fear, but they were my choices.

And then my son died.

In an instant, Choice was ripped from my hand. It seemed like I no longer had any control over the choices in my life.

The choice to see and hold and be with my son was taken from me on August 12, 2018 at 9:30 p.m. I could no longer have him here. That choice was not mine.

I have no choice to see my son again,but I do have the choice about how I deal with that.

I could Curl up and die with him, or I could put one foot in front of the other, and move forward in life. I don't want to walk in this world without him. But I do it. Each day I put one foot in front of the other. Walking towards a life were I can't hold and touch and talk to my son.But walking forward nonetheless.

As I walk forward, I make little choices. I have commented before, one of the most monumental choices I make every day is to get out of bed. It sounds so simple. Such an easy thing. It is not. Every day I have to remake that choice to get up, get going and put one foot in front of the other.

I have no choice for CJ to be on this earth. I can choose to either forget him or to remember him. I choose the memories and the honour. I make sure that I think about him, talk about him, and yes post about him, as much as I can. :)

I have no choice for CJ to be in this world. The choice I do have is to think that he is gone forever or to have faith in the afterlife. My choice is faith. Faith that his spirit lives on. Faith that I will see him again one day. Faith that life goes on, in a different way, on a different plane and that CJ is there. Actually in this, there is almost no choice. CJ screams his existence to me in signs and messages almost every day. 💗

I have no choice for CJ to be by my side.I can choose to think he is gone, or I can choose to accept that he now lives with me, in my heart and in my soul My choice is to hold him in my heart and my soul, and to feel his presence every day.

One choice I don't have and I am totally fine with that. I can never make the choice to be anything but his mother. I am his mother. Here on earth until the day I "go home" to be with him. I am forever Divermom, CJ's Mom. My Forever Son.