Born Three Times

I was born on March 15th, 1962. From that moment, I started to form and become the person I was meant to be. I remember the young me- boy crazy, always roller skating, loving school, and then finding a profession I loved.

Life was hard, tough upbringing, failed relationships, losing loved ones. But there was fun and joy and laughter as well. I lived for 31 years as “Just Janice”.

CJ was born on January 27th, 1994, and on that day I was reborn. I didn’t notice at first, but I had become “CJ’s Mom” and my life was defined by him. And as a mother , I knew pure joy.

I remember one night, awake to feed him. I was sitting in a rocking chair holding him while he fed,

watching him. To this day I can still feel what I felt that night- pure joy.

I loved being CJ’s mom. I was lucky, he was an easy baby, an easy child, and grew into a wonderful adult who became my best friend. Over the course of his life there were so many moments of happiness and joy and pure love.

CJ died on August 12th, 2018 and on that day I was reborn again. This time the change was instantaneous. The change is on a primal level, so deep I am not even sure what it means. Right now, I feel like I am in a cocoon, waiting to see who I will be.

Parents who have lost children never get “better”. I have lost so many others in my life - my parents, my brothers, my sweet sister in law, and others. So I can say this with certainty- I mourned them and learned to move on. But the grief was just a shadow of what a parent feels when losing a child. I am not downplaying other’s grief, it is simply a truth I now know.

The new me, does not know joy. Cannot feel Joy. I can laugh, I can smile, I can survive. But Joy is gone, never to be in my life again.

I am still “CJ’s Mom” I will always be his Mother. But now I am also Shidu- the term Japanese use when you lose your one and only. And I am waiting to see who that will be.