Before and After

I am not the same person that I was on August 11th. Losing my son has changed me in so many ways.

I didn't notice the changes at first. The first weeks after I wasn't myself, but it was more of a loss of self. My memory is faulty from that time, but the memories I do have are of pain and sorrow. No self.

As the days and weeks moved along, I started to recognize changes.

Before I was terribly impatient. I hated to stand in line, or be put on hold or wait for anything. Now, it doesn't bother me. I can stand in line for hours. I don't mind being put on hold. See, I know you won't want to hear it, but it is so much easier to wait now, because every day I am waiting. Waiting to see my son again.

Before I moved through my day with so much on my plate I could never get it all done. I was always moving or doing from morning till night. Now, I love silence, and being alone, and inactivity. I find peace in the little things, in a slower, easier life style.

Before I loved politics and championing any cause. I was on committees to change the world, committees to right the wrongs around me. I would stand up for anything and everything.

Now, the only thing I can concentrate on is my son and what would matter to him. I want only to change the world in his name.

Before I had so many fears. I was crippled by phobias. I was claustrophobic. I was afraid of heights. I was afraid of flying. In this new After, I have no phobias. Nothing scares me. How can I be afraid of anything when I have had the worst happen to me? My therapist says that most phobias are born from a fear of death. I no longer fear death, so no fear can hold me.

The biggest change is one that brings me my greatest sorrow. Before I was filled with anxiety every day. A childhood incident left me believing that I was forgettable. It's sad to say, that on my worst days, I didn't even believe that CJ loved me. Now, in this new life After, I can give and receive love with an ease that sometimes hurts my heart. I feel everyone's love and support, and accept it gladly, and return it fiercely. If only I could have done that so freely with CJ. If only I could have believed without reserve before. Because now in the After, I can only hope that he knows, that I loved him with all my heart, and I believe in his love for me.