Baseball and the Connections

Once Again – Grief became a part of Life.

As a child CJ was continually active. He eventually had to concentrate on his diving and leave some of the others behind. Near the end of his life, he was discovering those other pass times. One of them was baseball.

When he played baseball, it was a full family affair. We coached him at an early age, and then when he exceeded our expertise, we transitioned to managers of the team. I loved watching him play baseball.

I have not followed the blue jay’s team for years, only peripherally. This year, however, how could I not jump on the fandom band wagon, as they won game after game, getting closer to the final ultimate challenge – the World Series.

In that last week, I became totally immersed in the game. Checking stats, and history, listening to the news all day every day in between each game. Every conversation I had with everyone was about the game. I stayed up late to watch the games, far past my bedtime. I was riding the high with the rest of the country. And of course, for me, I felt CJ at my side cheering them on.

When they lost, I crashed. In my life I have found that I need to maintain a delicate balance of emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing. The highs and lows of this game threw my balance off. I let myself become so involved, and when they lost, I was way off balance. Because my mental wellbeing was compromised, it became physical. I was thrown back into the grief, with a vengeance.

And in that pain, I was so angry. I was disgusted that I could not enjoy something, without a sacrifice to my grief. The highs are just as dangerous as the lows. The balance is upset.

I was determined not to let it knock me down for long. I took a few days for self-care, and reflection. I pulled myself up and found that balance again.

I loved the experience of watching with the country. I loved the connection to my son through this experience. I just need to be more careful next time, to take care not to let it take away my hard-fought balance.

I am on a grief journey. And even now, years later, I am still learning how to manage that grief and continue a life as well.