Anniversaries

In my old life, I never remembered any special dates. Not birthdays, not anniversaries.

I remember a funny story when my family and I were moving into our new house we had built.

My in-laws had come over to visit us and to welcome us to our new home. After we had shown them around we were sitting on the couch, and they handed CJ's father and I a card.

We both said jokingly, almost at the same time, what is this for? Is it our anniversary?

And then we both did a double take, looking at each other and exclaimed " It is our anniversary!"

With the advent of Facebook, I was saved the embarrassment of not remembering my friends and families birthday. Thank goodness, I got reminders every day.

The one and only day that I remembered every year was the day my beautiful, funny, sweet son was born.

I never forgot that day.

Now, on the dark side of the moon. the anniversaries are etched in my heart and soul. I don't want to mark the passage of time from the day he was lost to us, but I can't seem to help it. The 12th of every month is extra painful. At first it was a subconscious reaction. I would start to hurt more and think about him more - if that is even possible, he is on my mind always - and then the realization would seep through - the 12th was approaching.

I have accepted that this day will always bring me more awareness. I don't try to fight it. Instead, I find ways to honour him on those days.

I try not to look too far forward, to the endless march of 12ths. I take them one month at a time, live through them, and miss him more each time.