Absolute Faith

Losing CJ has challenged my religious faith.

I was raised Catholic and oh how Catholic we were. Church every Sunday, ceremonies for all the occasions, giving up something for lent, counting down the days to Christ’s birth through advent.

I didn’t continue those practices as “religiously” through my adult life, but I still believed. I believed in God, in Heaven, in all that I was taught.

Then, in a heartbeat, My son was gone. And when I woke from the pain months later, I realized so was my faith in my religious beliefs. The juxtaposition of my catholic upbringing and my loss could not be reconciled.

But time and time and time again,with signs of his presence , CJ taps me on the shoulder to say, “Mom, I am here”.

From finding feathers, and dimes(both objects that are signs from some one passed), to songs playing on my phone when it wasn’t even on. One day a song started playing - the title “I’m still alive”. And the birds. So many. From robins that follow me, to the falcons I see every single day. CJ reaching out to say “I am here”.

Today- another sign. When I opened my twitter feed, a bird was there. A beautiful picture of a bird. Now I know I had seen that picture last night. And I wanted to save it last night, but I had moved on to reading an article that caught my eye. But when I opened the feed this morning, there was the bird. And not just in my feed. It had taken up the whole screen. CJ tapping me on the shoulder again to say “I am here”

I cannot ignore what I see every day and have anything but faith that CJ - the spirit of my son, the essence that was him- survives and is waiting for me.

There is faith in religion. But there can be faith outside religion. I still question my religion. I still struggle with the teachings I was raised with,but faith in seeing my son again is absolute.