A slide back into grief

When you least expect it…

Recently I had to go for some medical tests. I wasn’t worried or anything. I drove there without incident and went into the office. There was going to be an EKG- a heart test and then a heart monitor. Unfortunately, as soon as I walked through the door, I started crying. The technician was so nice and so wonderful. She tried to find out what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her. I wasn’t sure myself. I just knew that the grief had come crashing in. I was having a flashback, I think. She took my blood pressure and of course it was sky high. Higher than I've ever had it, which was scary in itself.

As I lay there during the test, I thought about why I was crying. How could I explain the hundreds of thoughts that went through my head all at one time. The flashback of memories to my father in his last months. The days in the retirement home watching him die. Seeing CJ after in the hospital, in a little room just like the one I was in. My own fears of mortality. The thoughts that I'm alone and always will be with no one to watch over me now that CJ has passed away.

But then she took me under her wing. She did the test, chatting about anything. By the end I had settled down, and my blood pressure had come down.

I know that my fears were irrational. I know that even with CJ gone, I am not alone. I know that what has happened can’t be changed, and I can only move forward. But grief is a crazy thing. Grief has its own mind sometimes and hits you when you least expect it.

I was grateful to this woman; who’s compassion helped me work through the grief.

This was just a reminder; grief is not linear. Grief has no specific timeline. Grief like this is forever. It is the price we pay for great love, and I can accept that.