5 Years Later

Each day I wake up and I think of CJ. Each day I travel this grief journey and I think of CJ. Each day I live as best I can, and I think of CJ.

And then I look back and see, as I took each step, each day one at a time, 5 years had passed.

It just does not seem possible. It feels surreal even to think in those terms. My brain can’t process. I say the words but they are so unbelievable my brain rejects them.

Some things are easier with the passage of time. I can go to the grocery store now without bursting into tears. I can empty a jar of ketchup without bursting into tears.

Some things will never get easier. Waking up and remembering will never get easier. Living each day without hearing his voice or seeing his smile will never get easier.

These last few months have been a struggle, moving a little backwards each day, and struggling to keep the gains I have achieved.

What I have learned is this:

There is no getting better. There is only learning to carry the grief.

I can live a life but no one can change the fact that CJ cannot be here to share it with me.

I can live my life but missing him will always be with me.

I will always be happy/sad every day.

I will always grieve - my grief is part of me now. Not a bad thing. Just a fact.

I will always think of CJ first in the morning and last at night and all those moments in between.

My grief journey continues.